Normally I don’t do this, but today I’m going to make an exception. I’m hurting and I need to express myself. I don’t want my family to feel guilty so I’m expressing it to you. 😀 Prayers welcome.
My parents divorced when I was little. I honestly don’t remember what it was like having two married parents so usually it doesn’t bother me. There were things that thoroughly sucked growing up with divorced parents, a LOT of them, but I’m grown now and I have long ago accepted that my parents just weren’t meant to be. Apparently I was some sort of silver lining in the storm that became of their marriage. Whatever.
My Mom has had a couple of failed marriages since then and a few more bad relationships but my Dad managed to find someone he loves and stay happily married living for God. My Momma causes drama, I get that and I’m not even going to go there right now. I will say this, apparently she wished my Dad a happy former anniversary or some crap a few years back and one of my little sisters (born from my Dad and StepMom) had the audacity to blame me and say it was because I wanted them back together. That just made me angry, they have NO idea what it’s like to deal with divorced parents, the feelings of rejection or what it was like to watch your parents fight, screaming and yelling, when you are too little to even know what’s going on.
Yep, that’s it, I miss THAT, because that is ALL I remember from my Mother and Father being married. FIGHTING. No good memories whatsoever. In fact, I have very few good memories growing up. The ones I do have came not from my parents but from my Grandparents and one of my Aunties who has always been such a blessing to me and I took for granted for so long.
Anyway, I got over that. Mostly. I just don’t think about it. I told my sister what I thought about her stupid comment that was wrapped in pure ignorance and I’ve moved on. Really. I’m not even upset with her anymore because I understand that the comment came from emotion and a lack of knowledge.
Today, however is apparently my Great Grandmother’s 90th birthday party. Guess how I found out? A friggin’ picture on facebook of the amazing cake my Auntie done for her. I’m use to feeling left out but I guess it’s been so long that this one snuck up on me. I Maybe it’s because I love my Granny so MUCH and would have LOVED to be there to celebrate with her. Whatever it is, I sit here venting to you (my husband calls it screaming into the void, and I get it because I’m sure most people stopped reading 2 paragraphs ago) and crying because if I say anything to my family it’s just going to hurt them and I don’t want them to hurt the way I do or even worse continue feeling sorry for me because ‘Poor little Kaycee was innocent in the situation and it wasn’t fair for her’. I got sick of hearing that a long time ago. It really, really didn’t help. I know it came from a place of love, but it wasn’t helpful at all. I knew my situation, I lived it. Can’t tell my husband because he will eventually comment to my family how much it hurts me when my Dad forgets that he has a kid out here. That wasn’t a fair comment, I know my Dad loves me. I’m just hurting.
I ask you now for prayers, I know I serve a healing and restorative God. If you don’t believe in God, or are in doubt, I wish I knew how to show you what an amazing God He truly is.
If not prayers, I’ll take positive energy or whatever it is you do for the people you want to help. I’m hurting right now and it sucks. That is all.
Originally posted 2013-08-10 12:07:09.